Today's horoscope

Aries: don't bother getting out of bed, you will just be disappointed by what life has to offer you today. trying chain smoking some more maybe you will feel better.

Taurus: that project you have been working on, give up. it will never work and you are just wasting your time. have you ever considered becoming a circus freak, if so today is the day to go for it.

Gemini: throw the skeazy sex partner out of your apartment and start drinking again. life is meaningless why bother.

Cancer: SMOKE.

Leo: Yup, that bump you have been noticing is cancer.

Virgo: GO FUCK YOURSELF

Libra: If you meet the buddha on the road stop him and shoot him then masterbate on his remains. trust me it's the thing to do.

Scorpio: Today is the day to find a new lover. Go down to Main Street and see if you can pick one out with as few track marks as possible.

Sagittarius: a lack of leisure is the cost of responsiblity, if you blow off your responsiblities all the rest of the time can be spent alternatively sleep and jerking off, and isn't that what everyone really wants.

Capricorn: ignore the smell of roasting peanuts. it's just the cyanide capsules dissolving

Aquarius: Abandon hope for future plans.

Pisces: Go fish.